Everything Reminds Me of Her

This meme is from Glow in the Woods, a website I started frequenting just before Flora passed away. I desperately needed to know that there were others out there who felt what I felt, and the posts on that website have helped me tremendously. Anyway, here is the meme:

1. We know that sometimes families talk less and less about pregnancy or infant loss as time goes on. What, if any, other losses in your family were revealed to you after your loss? What was it like to hear about those losses?

After we lost Flora I found out that a lot of family members had experienced similar losses. My grandma, whom I've lived with my whole life, told me she had had a few miscarriages. She didn't go into detail, but did say that she knew how upsetting it was. Alex's grandmother also told us that she had experienced 9 miscarriages. The two of them didn't seem to be too affected by them, and the general theme was that we should try again ASAP while we're still young. It made me angry. I don't know how they felt when they were younger and actually going through it, but to hear now that, according to them, miscarriage is not that big of a loss really pissed me off.

2. Did anyone who had already experienced babyloss reach out to you in the months after your loss? What was it like to connect with others who had already been through babyloss?

When I was pregnant with Elliott I joined a LiveJournal community to meet other moms. I met a woman named Leslie on there who had lost a son and we became friends. I knew about Dexter's story, but we never really talked about it. Back then, child loss was one of those things that I assumed just didn't really happen. When Flora died she messaged me right away and set me up with a great online support group she is a part of. She understood when I deactivated my Facebook profile for a week, she didn't judge me after I told her that we were terminating my pregnancy because of Flora's diagnosis, and she has been a constant support since.

A friend of mine also told me about her mother's loss. Her mom had wanted to talk to me at a party I was at right after Flora died, but wanted to respect my need for space. My friend told me that her mom felt the anger I do when people talk about it all being God's plan or talk about how everything happens for a reason. I would like to talk to her some day about it.

Connecting with others who have already been through babyloss is bittersweet. It feels so nice to be among people who "understand". It's nice to be able to talk about how jealous I feel when I see a pregnant woman or a new baby and not be judged. On the other hand, I wish no one had to feel these feelings. It sucks, it's unfair, and no child should ever die.

3. If any of those babylost parents were from a different generation, what did you find was different about your experience from theirs?

Like I said, hearing from our grandmothers about their loss was irritating. I understand that things were different when they were having babies, but their cavalier attitude still rubs me the wrong way. To them, it seemed that they viewed their losses as just "miscarriages", not children at all. Alex's grandmother even went so far as to call each miscarriage a blessing from God and told us that there was clearly a reason Flora was not going to live and that it was a sign to try again.

4. Did you attend a local area support group after your loss? What was helpful--or not--about your support group?

We haven't yet attended any real-life support groups, but we're looking around to find one.

5. What role has the internet played in connecting you to other babylost parents? How has that been different from connections you may have made in person?

As of right now the internet is my only link to other babylost parents. I've been a shut-in for most of my life and I find it hard to meet and connect with people face-to-face, so naturally I turned to the net first. I would like to join an in-person support group soon, even just to hear and have the room to grieve safely. 

6. Many of us have found, as time goes on, that we are suddenly in the supporting role, as "experienced" babylost parents. How has reaching out to others with newer losses helped you in your grief journey?

I've always loved helping people. I just started this whole grief journey a few weeks ago, but already I find that I want to reach out to others. I noticed a woman on a BabyCenter group for Plus Sized Pregnancy had posted that her daughter had died in the womb, and I immediately sent her a message to say that I was so sorry she had to experience that and I suggested a few websites I found helpful for when she felt ready.

Reaching out like that makes me feel like Flora lives on in others. I know that sounds ridiculous, but when I think that someone might remember kindness I've shown I hope that they also remember my sweet daughter.

7. How have you found yourself relating to other people's grief in general? What about people around you--friends, coworkers, neighbors--who have experienced the loss of other family members, not babies?

Not really. Right now I just feel kind of self-absorbed in my grief.

Everything reminds me of her this evening...