Dark Corner

I haven't been around these parts in a while because I feel like hammered shit. I don't know what if anything may have triggered it, or if this is just a normal part of grief, but I've just barely been able to drag my sorry ass out of bed for the last week or so.

Alex started work and is doing great. I was in that wedding and it was lots of fun until the father daughter dance when I realized Alex would never have one with Flora. I didn't mean to make things personal, but they became that way and kind of colored the end of the night. My mother in law is paying for us to have Flora cremated. I love her for it and will never forget that kindness.

We have to find an urn. We looked tonight after dinner and it makes me so sad and so angry that there are special sections on urn websites for children and infants. It's not fair. We saw some cute ones, but nothing that seems like "the one" yet. We will keep looking.

I started a savings account with Alex, which means I achieved one of the goals I made when I started writing here. Yay! We're also doing well at having family meals that are healthy and being more active. Some days are harder than others, but we're moving forward and that's what counts.

Just checking in from my little corner of darkness. I'll be out in the daylight eventually, but for now I'm going to let myself feel all the feelings and sink as deep down as I need to.

Trying to Get Back to Something Like "Normal"

So I have some mixed news to share, but first I gotta get through a little history. Right now we live with my grandma in my childhood home. I've lived here since I was 7 years old with my grandparents and my mom. My mom moved to San Jose with her husband when I was in high school and I stayed here with my grandparents until I moved to Santa Barbara with Elliott's dad when I was 18 or 19. After we broke up, I moved back in here with my grandparents, met Alex, fell in love and then just continued living here until now. Since my grandpa died we can no longer afford the mortgage payment and are short selling the house, whatever that means. Our original plan was for all of us (me, Elliott, Alex and my grandma) to move out together into a rental. 

The problem with that is that my grandma and I are two completely opposing forces. She goes one way, I go the exact opposite and we rarely meet in the middle. That makes for a really turbulent home atmosphere. A few days ago my grandma told us she doesn't want to move out with us, but will help us with rent until Alex is able to do it on his own. So this is great news! Of course it's also surrounded with turmoil and emotions, but right now I'm going to focus on the positive. I finally get my own place with my little family and we get a chance to get ourselves on the right track.

It's just so expensive in the part of California we live in. It's hard to find anything in our price range, even with her help. And I certainly don't want to end up in a ghetto or in an area with bad schools. We still have a few weeks to look around and we have some promising leads, but I still worry (as usual).

***

I started using the NuvaRing last night. It was given to me when Flora died because we're not ready for another baby just yet. My Flora was a very happy and very unexpected surprise when she came to us, but this time I can't leave room for error. I'm just not physically, emotionally or financially prepared for another little one yet. So I inserted the ring and so far so good. Still, a part of me feels really pissed off that I can't have another baby right away. I assume a lot of babylost moms feel the same way.

At Elliott's preschool there are several families who are expecting or have small babies. I love seeing the babies and I feel so excited for the pregnant mamas, but it's hard to see it. When Flora died I was already starting to get a nice, round belly and by now I know I would be even rounder. I wish I could show off and I wish Elliott could excitedly tell all his little friends that he's going to be a big bro. 

There's so much I could say on this subject, but for now I'll leave it at: FUCK IT ALL.

***

Next week I'm going to be in a wedding! This will be the first time I've ever been a bridesmaid and I'm excited! I also get to do the nails for the wedding party which I am also excited about. I'm a cosmetologist by trade and I specialize in natural nails (think: manicures, pedicures, Shellac). I quit working when I found out Flora had something wrong with her (hated that job anyway) and I do miss doing nails. Alex spoiled me and let me go out and get all the tools and special colors I need for the wedding and I just can't wait. 

I think the wedding will be a nice chance to hang out with friends and feel like a real woman again, too. So often, lately, I just kind of feel like a blob, rolling along through life without purpose. I haven't worn make up or styled my hair in a long time because I just don't have the patience or energy. I've been feeling so unsexy lately because of it. 

The bride is also a cosmo and so are most of her friends so I'm hoping to get my eyebrows and makeup done. I don't think people need makeup and all that crap to be beautiful, but I know myself and I know that I need the pick-me-up. I used to feel like a feminine powerhouse. I knew I looked good and I had all the confidence in the world. Now I just feel like a withered old grape. Any other moms out there who feel the same? What did you do to "get your groove back", so to speak?

I know that it's impossible for things to go back to how they were, but I just wish I could feel a little more normal...a little more real. When I found out Flora was a girl, I had all these plans of teaching her how to use her feminine power and how to respect and love her womanhood. I don't want to fail her.

My Body Hurts

I'm going to see my doctor in a few hours about hip/leg/foot pain I've been having for a while now. It seems to have gotten even worse since Flora died, but that may or may not just be a result of my depressed feelings. Either way, I'm nervous and I'm already on the defense. Every single time I go to the doctor--no matter what I'm there for--she blames it on my weight.

Now, I've always been fat. And honestly, I don't give a fuck. I like the way I look, I eat healthfully and I take good care of myself. The problem with being fat is that I have never received quality health care. Ever. Seriously. I had migraines 3-4 times a week for 2 years in a row and all I ever heard was that I should lose some weight and cut down on stress. So I lost 40 lbs and I tried to relax some more and guess what? The migraines still didn't go away. Later, on my own, I figured out they were a result of drinking caffeine. Why that is I have no idea and I probably never will since the doctors want to blame everything on my chub...

But this is for real now. My body hurts. I feel like it's totally shutting down since my Flora left me. My bones hurt and creak, I don't want to eat anything or I want to eat way too much, I cough all the time, my cycle is (obviously) all out of whack and it's making me super emotional. I know medicine won't fix most of this, but damn it this sucks. At 24 years old I'm having actual trouble getting out of bed and moving around. I can't lie on my back or my sides for more that 5-10 minutes without extreme bone/joint pain and it's ruining my sleep quality and making it hard to keep up with Elliott. Something about this doesn't seem normal and I want it seriously looked into. If they want they can put weight loss at the top of the chart, but I want some other tests run to make sure that it's not something else. Please, everyone, wish me luck and courage here. It sounds dramatic, but when you're fat and you visit the doctor you really have to demand to be treated.

***

Elliott came back from his little vacation this morning. I missed him so much! Right now he and Alex are playing. I offered Elliott a trip to the zoo today, which he declined because he's weird. I think later we'll just head to the park with a picnic lunch or something. Just gotta get outdoors and get active today. That's my goal.

Yesterday was a hard day for me and for Alex. We spent the whole day just feeling really low and talking about how much we miss Flora. Every time we see a baby or baby clothes or anything baby-related it just sets us off. It sounds morbid, but I can't wait to get her ashes. How fucked up that that's the only way I will ever hold my baby girl...

Everything Reminds Me of Her

This meme is from Glow in the Woods, a website I started frequenting just before Flora passed away. I desperately needed to know that there were others out there who felt what I felt, and the posts on that website have helped me tremendously. Anyway, here is the meme:

1. We know that sometimes families talk less and less about pregnancy or infant loss as time goes on. What, if any, other losses in your family were revealed to you after your loss? What was it like to hear about those losses?

After we lost Flora I found out that a lot of family members had experienced similar losses. My grandma, whom I've lived with my whole life, told me she had had a few miscarriages. She didn't go into detail, but did say that she knew how upsetting it was. Alex's grandmother also told us that she had experienced 9 miscarriages. The two of them didn't seem to be too affected by them, and the general theme was that we should try again ASAP while we're still young. It made me angry. I don't know how they felt when they were younger and actually going through it, but to hear now that, according to them, miscarriage is not that big of a loss really pissed me off.

2. Did anyone who had already experienced babyloss reach out to you in the months after your loss? What was it like to connect with others who had already been through babyloss?

When I was pregnant with Elliott I joined a LiveJournal community to meet other moms. I met a woman named Leslie on there who had lost a son and we became friends. I knew about Dexter's story, but we never really talked about it. Back then, child loss was one of those things that I assumed just didn't really happen. When Flora died she messaged me right away and set me up with a great online support group she is a part of. She understood when I deactivated my Facebook profile for a week, she didn't judge me after I told her that we were terminating my pregnancy because of Flora's diagnosis, and she has been a constant support since.

A friend of mine also told me about her mother's loss. Her mom had wanted to talk to me at a party I was at right after Flora died, but wanted to respect my need for space. My friend told me that her mom felt the anger I do when people talk about it all being God's plan or talk about how everything happens for a reason. I would like to talk to her some day about it.

Connecting with others who have already been through babyloss is bittersweet. It feels so nice to be among people who "understand". It's nice to be able to talk about how jealous I feel when I see a pregnant woman or a new baby and not be judged. On the other hand, I wish no one had to feel these feelings. It sucks, it's unfair, and no child should ever die.

3. If any of those babylost parents were from a different generation, what did you find was different about your experience from theirs?

Like I said, hearing from our grandmothers about their loss was irritating. I understand that things were different when they were having babies, but their cavalier attitude still rubs me the wrong way. To them, it seemed that they viewed their losses as just "miscarriages", not children at all. Alex's grandmother even went so far as to call each miscarriage a blessing from God and told us that there was clearly a reason Flora was not going to live and that it was a sign to try again.

4. Did you attend a local area support group after your loss? What was helpful--or not--about your support group?

We haven't yet attended any real-life support groups, but we're looking around to find one.

5. What role has the internet played in connecting you to other babylost parents? How has that been different from connections you may have made in person?

As of right now the internet is my only link to other babylost parents. I've been a shut-in for most of my life and I find it hard to meet and connect with people face-to-face, so naturally I turned to the net first. I would like to join an in-person support group soon, even just to hear and have the room to grieve safely. 

6. Many of us have found, as time goes on, that we are suddenly in the supporting role, as "experienced" babylost parents. How has reaching out to others with newer losses helped you in your grief journey?

I've always loved helping people. I just started this whole grief journey a few weeks ago, but already I find that I want to reach out to others. I noticed a woman on a BabyCenter group for Plus Sized Pregnancy had posted that her daughter had died in the womb, and I immediately sent her a message to say that I was so sorry she had to experience that and I suggested a few websites I found helpful for when she felt ready.

Reaching out like that makes me feel like Flora lives on in others. I know that sounds ridiculous, but when I think that someone might remember kindness I've shown I hope that they also remember my sweet daughter.

7. How have you found yourself relating to other people's grief in general? What about people around you--friends, coworkers, neighbors--who have experienced the loss of other family members, not babies?

Not really. Right now I just feel kind of self-absorbed in my grief.

Everything reminds me of her this evening...

Grief Sucks

Alex got the job and he starts in 10 days! I'm so proud of him. Of course I always knew he would get it; my man is so smart and he has his shit together. Plus, I helped write his resume so it was obviously brilliant. In all seriousness, this means big things for our family! I might even get to start that savings account I was imagining. Wouldn't that be awesome? I have to research how much money we should be saving from each paycheck and all that jazz. I've never had a real savings account before this so I'm clueless. I hope we can also add to Elliott's Future Fund. I'm dreaming big, guys and gals, and it feels pretty good after all we've been through.

We went clothes shopping today to get him ready for this new gig. Alex is extremely tall and extremely...ursine, for a lack of a better word. He's my big teddy bear husband which is totally sexy and one of the reasons I fell in love with him, but it makes clothes shopping a debacle. Luckily we found a store that carries his sizes and we splurged on some really nice "business casual" clothing. He looks great in everything we found and I hope he feels just as wonderful as he looks when he wears them to his new job!

***

We called about getting baby Flora's ashes from UCSF and found out that we get a credit toward paying for arrangements. That's great news because we're very tight for money. No matter what we would be getting her cremated, even if it meant eating only ramen noodles for a month, but I'm thankful that we're getting some help in that department. I can't wait to have my sweet baby girl's ashes at home with us. Since we can never hold her I guess this is the next best thing.

Alex is having a special urn pendant made to hold some of her ashes. He says he always wants her close to his heart. I so wish that Alex had gotten the chance to help me birth her and to hold his daughter and be a biological father. He is so wonderful to Elliott and I know that he sees El as his own, but I also know that her birth and life would have been very special to him. She is special to him. I'm so sad for myself, but I'm even sadder for Alex and for Elliott and all that they lost. It breaks my heart to see Alex missing his daughter and to see Elliott missing his sister. We deserved her and she deserved us. 

Is it twisted that I imagine her in an afterlife? I'm not religious, but I've always believed that our souls have somewhere to go when we die. And I want to imagine her there, with her daddy's chicken nugget toes, meeting up with all my old dead cats and having a great time. I want to believe that she can see us and feel how loved and missed she is. I want my little girl to know that when she left my body my love went right with her.

I miss her so much. I miss being pregnant. I miss feeling her move around. I miss the promise of good things to come. I hate how bitter I am lately. I don't want to see other people's babies. I deleted tons of people off of my Facebook account just because they were pregnant or had recently given birth. I feel so childish, but I know I needed to do it for my own sanity. It was like emotional cutting every time I looked at a newborn photo or read a pregnancy update.

While we were out shopping today we stopped by Target just to poke around. Somehow, as I always do, I ended up in the toddler/baby clothes section. I started looking at little boy's clothing for Elliott and then I wandered toward the infant clothing. I'm so mad that I won't get to put her in footie pajamas or a ridiculously large headband. I want to dress my daughter up. I want her to be alive.

Elliott is on a small vacation with his dad this weekend so we don't even have him to help us get through these feelings. It's just me, Alex and our grief. And it sucks.

Work Sucks

My husband has to go back to work soon, maybe even this week. This is something I definitely wasn't expecting and something I'm definitely not ready for. I've been barely hanging on since Flora died, having the courage and strength to actually get out of bed and pretend to live mainly because I know I have him here to help. What the hell am I going to do now?

It's easy to set goals and get out and do things when I have a partner to pick up my slack and catch me when I fall. Once he goes back it's just me and Elliott, all alone from 7 am to 8pm Monday through Friday. Unless you count my grandma, which I sometimes do but mostly don't. She helps sometimes, and other times (almost all the time) makes me feel like a worthless asshole. Why, just today I was told that Alex is a working man who should have the freedom to be gone as long as he needs to. I'm just a stay at home parent and I have zero right to miss him or complain at all. Lovely. Can you tell why I so desperately want him to be able to stay?

This whole conversation about how selfish I am started because he has a job interview tomorrow with a very important company that's offering a significant pay increase. The job is temporary; it only lasts one year. But for that one year we might get closer to our goal of independence than we ever thought possible! I hope he gets it, but I also feel really sad because it's a long commute which means he will be gone all day.

I made stuffed bell peppers for dinner tonight, which are still not ready. My bad. Bedtime is going to be extra late tonight and I hope these damn peppers prove to be worth it. I also hope Elliott actually eats them. He's a great eater and will usually try new things without too much fuss, but I worry that these might be a little too exotic for his toddlerian palate.

We walked to and from school (~20 min both ways) today so no night walk. El is already looking healthier! Lunch was good and light: leftover pot roast and roasted asparagus with sliced strawberries and veggie fries. He also had a cherry pistachio granola bar. I'm feeling really good about all the healthy, positive changes I'm trying to make for him. I grew up fat as fuck and it sucked. I ate garbage every day and I'm honestly surprised I didn't end up with early-onset diabetes or some other horrible disease. I'm still fat, but I try my hardest to eat healthy, whole foods and I want El to eat healthfully, too.

Alex and I ordered Soft Claws claw caps a while ago and they finally came in today. They're kind of like acrylic nails for cats and I'm very excited to try them. Poor cats, hahaha. Those little brats need something to help them curb their scratching habit. Rigby got a bath tonight for the first time because his feet were covered in his own shit. He was not pleased. These cats piss me off, but I'm quite glad to have them around to entertain me.

Today was pretty uneventful so I don't really have much to say that's of importance. Another 30 minutes until the moment of truth is upon us and those peppers are done so I might as well go sit around with my thumb up my ass for that time, right? I rarely get the chance to do that, anyway....

Overwhelmed

Lately it feels like I live in the middle of several volcanoes that are simultaneously erupting. 

Alex and I took Elliott to a friend's birthday party yesterday. The party was awesome, but I just don't think we were ready to venture out into the public yet. Elliott has been very sensitive lately--about every little thing--and I've been very overwhelmed. We ended up leaving early after both of us threw several tantrums.

I talked with Alex today and we both agree that we need to find our way back to our original parenting goals and really work on our relationship with Elliott. We love him so much but have been so completely derailed by everything that's going on that we often find ourselves very disconnected. For example, I've been putting Elliott in time outs a lot and yelling, which is something I never wanted to do as a parent and something that, frankly, just doesn't work as a parenting tool.

Overwhelmed is the word of the day, I think. I keep stressing over one thing which snowballs into 10 and then 100 things and keeps building and building until I just melt down. I need to learn to take small bites and not try to eat the whole cake at once. First things first, I need to get on the same page with Alex and work on connecting with Elliott. I forget sometimes that he lost his sister, too and that he is affected by this just like I am. Plus he's started preschool and all sorts of other toddler craziness has been going on. No wonder my little guy is struggling...

I guess we should also cut ourselves some slack while we're at it. We have to be out of the house by November-ish which means cleaning, organizing and packing several lifetimes worth of crap in just a few short months. We also have to find a new place that's a) affordable b)in the area c)large enough for all 4 of us and d) decent. All while coping with the loss of Flora, continuing to cope with the loss of my mom and papa, and and and...well, just a lot of other shit.

And before I forget, we made a great start to our "healthier lifestyle" last night. I made a good dinner that we ate at the table as a family and then we went for a short walk around the neighborhood before bed. We also read books at bed time instead of watching TV! Progress is good! Breakfast this morning was pretty healthy then lunch was a smorgasbord of leftover party food at a friend's house and vegging out in front of the TV. We're only on day 2 of this whole health thing, so I'm giving us a free pass for our gluttonous lunch. Plus I already have a healthy meal brewing in the crock pot for tonight and plans for another walk before bed time so I am really for real taking this as seriously as I can right now. Pinky promise.

I'm trying to keep "baby steps" in mind right now. What's one thing I'm grateful for today? My wonderful, sweet, attentive, strong husband who always stands by me and gives me the help I need. It feels nice to come home after a crazy day and be met with his loving embrace and encouraging words. Today...right now...that makes things a little bit easier on me.

Baby Steps

4 days ago Flora left my body.

She was probably dead some time before that, but I still cradled her precious body in my womb until last Wednesday when they took her from me. This was the culmination of a month of doctor's visits, invasive tests, and pointless hope. Flora had Trisomy 13, and she died. And now everything is completely, irrevocably changed.

I stopped journaling some time ago, probably around the time Alex and I started getting serious. Things were just too good back then to be bothered with sitting down at a computer and writing about it. Now that things are dark again it's time I returned.

Everything has gone to seed. At least that's the short version of it. In the last two years my mother died before I had a chance to reconcile our rocky relationship, my papa died unexpectedly, we lost the house we've lived in for 16 years(and are now having to find somewhere else to move), and my sweet daughter died. I also married Alex and Elliott has continued to grow and amaze us all with how special he truly is. I know I have wonderful blessings in my life, but it's hard to see them in this darkness.

I'm titling this first post "Baby Steps" because I think that's what this whole journey is going to have to be. I have always tried to take things in leaps and bounds, and then I wonder why I end up flat on my ass. So I'm trying out this whole one-day-at-a-time thing and I guess I'll see where it takes me and my family. I have some goals which, at the moment, seem completely unrealistic and laughable, but I'll put them down anyway and see where I go with them:

1. Find a grief counselor/support group for Alex and myself.
2. Get Elliott into counseling.
3. Find a good home for our family, hopefully in the area so Elliott doesn't have to change schools.
4. Work on building a strong routine here at home for Elliott so he at least feels grounded here.
5. Work on making healthier foods and having mealtimes at the table as a family.
6. Start a savings account.

So, here it is: my pathetic attempt at reorganizing my shattered life. I feel foolish in doing so, but I hope that this helps direct my path.