Baby Steps

4 days ago Flora left my body.

She was probably dead some time before that, but I still cradled her precious body in my womb until last Wednesday when they took her from me. This was the culmination of a month of doctor's visits, invasive tests, and pointless hope. Flora had Trisomy 13, and she died. And now everything is completely, irrevocably changed.

I stopped journaling some time ago, probably around the time Alex and I started getting serious. Things were just too good back then to be bothered with sitting down at a computer and writing about it. Now that things are dark again it's time I returned.

Everything has gone to seed. At least that's the short version of it. In the last two years my mother died before I had a chance to reconcile our rocky relationship, my papa died unexpectedly, we lost the house we've lived in for 16 years(and are now having to find somewhere else to move), and my sweet daughter died. I also married Alex and Elliott has continued to grow and amaze us all with how special he truly is. I know I have wonderful blessings in my life, but it's hard to see them in this darkness.

I'm titling this first post "Baby Steps" because I think that's what this whole journey is going to have to be. I have always tried to take things in leaps and bounds, and then I wonder why I end up flat on my ass. So I'm trying out this whole one-day-at-a-time thing and I guess I'll see where it takes me and my family. I have some goals which, at the moment, seem completely unrealistic and laughable, but I'll put them down anyway and see where I go with them:

1. Find a grief counselor/support group for Alex and myself.
2. Get Elliott into counseling.
3. Find a good home for our family, hopefully in the area so Elliott doesn't have to change schools.
4. Work on building a strong routine here at home for Elliott so he at least feels grounded here.
5. Work on making healthier foods and having mealtimes at the table as a family.
6. Start a savings account.

So, here it is: my pathetic attempt at reorganizing my shattered life. I feel foolish in doing so, but I hope that this helps direct my path.