Trying to Get Back to Something Like "Normal"

So I have some mixed news to share, but first I gotta get through a little history. Right now we live with my grandma in my childhood home. I've lived here since I was 7 years old with my grandparents and my mom. My mom moved to San Jose with her husband when I was in high school and I stayed here with my grandparents until I moved to Santa Barbara with Elliott's dad when I was 18 or 19. After we broke up, I moved back in here with my grandparents, met Alex, fell in love and then just continued living here until now. Since my grandpa died we can no longer afford the mortgage payment and are short selling the house, whatever that means. Our original plan was for all of us (me, Elliott, Alex and my grandma) to move out together into a rental. 

The problem with that is that my grandma and I are two completely opposing forces. She goes one way, I go the exact opposite and we rarely meet in the middle. That makes for a really turbulent home atmosphere. A few days ago my grandma told us she doesn't want to move out with us, but will help us with rent until Alex is able to do it on his own. So this is great news! Of course it's also surrounded with turmoil and emotions, but right now I'm going to focus on the positive. I finally get my own place with my little family and we get a chance to get ourselves on the right track.

It's just so expensive in the part of California we live in. It's hard to find anything in our price range, even with her help. And I certainly don't want to end up in a ghetto or in an area with bad schools. We still have a few weeks to look around and we have some promising leads, but I still worry (as usual).

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I started using the NuvaRing last night. It was given to me when Flora died because we're not ready for another baby just yet. My Flora was a very happy and very unexpected surprise when she came to us, but this time I can't leave room for error. I'm just not physically, emotionally or financially prepared for another little one yet. So I inserted the ring and so far so good. Still, a part of me feels really pissed off that I can't have another baby right away. I assume a lot of babylost moms feel the same way.

At Elliott's preschool there are several families who are expecting or have small babies. I love seeing the babies and I feel so excited for the pregnant mamas, but it's hard to see it. When Flora died I was already starting to get a nice, round belly and by now I know I would be even rounder. I wish I could show off and I wish Elliott could excitedly tell all his little friends that he's going to be a big bro. 

There's so much I could say on this subject, but for now I'll leave it at: FUCK IT ALL.

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Next week I'm going to be in a wedding! This will be the first time I've ever been a bridesmaid and I'm excited! I also get to do the nails for the wedding party which I am also excited about. I'm a cosmetologist by trade and I specialize in natural nails (think: manicures, pedicures, Shellac). I quit working when I found out Flora had something wrong with her (hated that job anyway) and I do miss doing nails. Alex spoiled me and let me go out and get all the tools and special colors I need for the wedding and I just can't wait. 

I think the wedding will be a nice chance to hang out with friends and feel like a real woman again, too. So often, lately, I just kind of feel like a blob, rolling along through life without purpose. I haven't worn make up or styled my hair in a long time because I just don't have the patience or energy. I've been feeling so unsexy lately because of it. 

The bride is also a cosmo and so are most of her friends so I'm hoping to get my eyebrows and makeup done. I don't think people need makeup and all that crap to be beautiful, but I know myself and I know that I need the pick-me-up. I used to feel like a feminine powerhouse. I knew I looked good and I had all the confidence in the world. Now I just feel like a withered old grape. Any other moms out there who feel the same? What did you do to "get your groove back", so to speak?

I know that it's impossible for things to go back to how they were, but I just wish I could feel a little more normal...a little more real. When I found out Flora was a girl, I had all these plans of teaching her how to use her feminine power and how to respect and love her womanhood. I don't want to fail her.