I'm going to see my doctor in a few hours about hip/leg/foot pain I've been having for a while now. It seems to have gotten even worse since Flora died, but that may or may not just be a result of my depressed feelings. Either way, I'm nervous and I'm already on the defense. Every single time I go to the doctor--no matter what I'm there for--she blames it on my weight.
Now, I've always been fat. And honestly, I don't give a fuck. I like the way I look, I eat healthfully and I take good care of myself. The problem with being fat is that I have never received quality health care. Ever. Seriously. I had migraines 3-4 times a week for 2 years in a row and all I ever heard was that I should lose some weight and cut down on stress. So I lost 40 lbs and I tried to relax some more and guess what? The migraines still didn't go away. Later, on my own, I figured out they were a result of drinking caffeine. Why that is I have no idea and I probably never will since the doctors want to blame everything on my chub...
But this is for real now. My body hurts. I feel like it's totally shutting down since my Flora left me. My bones hurt and creak, I don't want to eat anything or I want to eat way too much, I cough all the time, my cycle is (obviously) all out of whack and it's making me super emotional. I know medicine won't fix most of this, but damn it this sucks. At 24 years old I'm having actual trouble getting out of bed and moving around. I can't lie on my back or my sides for more that 5-10 minutes without extreme bone/joint pain and it's ruining my sleep quality and making it hard to keep up with Elliott. Something about this doesn't seem normal and I want it seriously looked into. If they want they can put weight loss at the top of the chart, but I want some other tests run to make sure that it's not something else. Please, everyone, wish me luck and courage here. It sounds dramatic, but when you're fat and you visit the doctor you really have to demand to be treated.
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Elliott came back from his little vacation this morning. I missed him so much! Right now he and Alex are playing. I offered Elliott a trip to the zoo today, which he declined because he's weird. I think later we'll just head to the park with a picnic lunch or something. Just gotta get outdoors and get active today. That's my goal.
Yesterday was a hard day for me and for Alex. We spent the whole day just feeling really low and talking about how much we miss Flora. Every time we see a baby or baby clothes or anything baby-related it just sets us off. It sounds morbid, but I can't wait to get her ashes. How fucked up that that's the only way I will ever hold my baby girl...
I'm glad you'll be assertive. I would guess thyroid might be worth looking at? You can totally be fat and healthy.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if alternative medicine might be worth a look too, if you're into that sort of thing.
I am definitely open to that! Honestly, I would prefer something more natural. I feel weird taking all sorts of synthetic meds. I understand their value, but I just don't feel that I'm in enough pain to warrant continued use of a narcotic. Any suggestions?
ReplyDeleteI've had my thyroid tested before and everything has always come back normal! It could have been thrown off by a number of things though, so I'll have to get it checked again.
I want to second that advice about alternative medicine... I am a big fan of acupuncture, and I find that acupuncturists typically treat you with respect and look more holistically and not just at a number like your weight. I wouldn't be surprised if some of your aches and pains are a physical manifestation of grief, and acupuncture might be able to help you balance your energy. Have you ever done yoga? I also hear water aerobics is really gentle on the body, but I've never tried it.
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