Grief Sucks

Alex got the job and he starts in 10 days! I'm so proud of him. Of course I always knew he would get it; my man is so smart and he has his shit together. Plus, I helped write his resume so it was obviously brilliant. In all seriousness, this means big things for our family! I might even get to start that savings account I was imagining. Wouldn't that be awesome? I have to research how much money we should be saving from each paycheck and all that jazz. I've never had a real savings account before this so I'm clueless. I hope we can also add to Elliott's Future Fund. I'm dreaming big, guys and gals, and it feels pretty good after all we've been through.

We went clothes shopping today to get him ready for this new gig. Alex is extremely tall and extremely...ursine, for a lack of a better word. He's my big teddy bear husband which is totally sexy and one of the reasons I fell in love with him, but it makes clothes shopping a debacle. Luckily we found a store that carries his sizes and we splurged on some really nice "business casual" clothing. He looks great in everything we found and I hope he feels just as wonderful as he looks when he wears them to his new job!

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We called about getting baby Flora's ashes from UCSF and found out that we get a credit toward paying for arrangements. That's great news because we're very tight for money. No matter what we would be getting her cremated, even if it meant eating only ramen noodles for a month, but I'm thankful that we're getting some help in that department. I can't wait to have my sweet baby girl's ashes at home with us. Since we can never hold her I guess this is the next best thing.

Alex is having a special urn pendant made to hold some of her ashes. He says he always wants her close to his heart. I so wish that Alex had gotten the chance to help me birth her and to hold his daughter and be a biological father. He is so wonderful to Elliott and I know that he sees El as his own, but I also know that her birth and life would have been very special to him. She is special to him. I'm so sad for myself, but I'm even sadder for Alex and for Elliott and all that they lost. It breaks my heart to see Alex missing his daughter and to see Elliott missing his sister. We deserved her and she deserved us. 

Is it twisted that I imagine her in an afterlife? I'm not religious, but I've always believed that our souls have somewhere to go when we die. And I want to imagine her there, with her daddy's chicken nugget toes, meeting up with all my old dead cats and having a great time. I want to believe that she can see us and feel how loved and missed she is. I want my little girl to know that when she left my body my love went right with her.

I miss her so much. I miss being pregnant. I miss feeling her move around. I miss the promise of good things to come. I hate how bitter I am lately. I don't want to see other people's babies. I deleted tons of people off of my Facebook account just because they were pregnant or had recently given birth. I feel so childish, but I know I needed to do it for my own sanity. It was like emotional cutting every time I looked at a newborn photo or read a pregnancy update.

While we were out shopping today we stopped by Target just to poke around. Somehow, as I always do, I ended up in the toddler/baby clothes section. I started looking at little boy's clothing for Elliott and then I wandered toward the infant clothing. I'm so mad that I won't get to put her in footie pajamas or a ridiculously large headband. I want to dress my daughter up. I want her to be alive.

Elliott is on a small vacation with his dad this weekend so we don't even have him to help us get through these feelings. It's just me, Alex and our grief. And it sucks.